Anti-Social Butterfly

So my Pagan friend (who considers herself an eclectic Wiccan and a kitchen witch) has a substantial witchy library for me to peruse, and I have jumped at the opportunity to expand my reading list. After being disappointed with Edain McCoy's Advanced Witchcraft, my friend introduced me to A Book of Pagan Prayer, which I am now in love with. I'm not down with some of the prayers included in said book (I'm a little picky about my wording) , but Ceisiwr Serith does an excellent job on explaining the purpose and importance of prayer, as well as information on how to construct prayers.

It's funny that I have been so negligent in my communications with the Divine, since I have experienced firsthand that the gods can reach out and respond. That moment happened over a year ago, and was easily one of the most imporant moments of my life, and yet I still insist on keeping an impersonal relationship with the gods. It's the sort of thing I do in my everyday affairs as well - I don't let a lot of people get close to me, nor do I open my heart to strangers. But I am determined to grow and thrive as a person, and pursuing my spirituality and furthering my relationship with the Divine is important to me. At some point, I think I'd like to address this Divinity by name.

So after months of crying every night for no reason, bad dreams, and losing interest in just about everything that I used to take pleasure in, I finally caved and started taking antidepressants. I've spent years being opposed to antidepressants for numerous reasons, so the decision to start taking them was not easy for me. Besides the secular concerns, I worried that I wouldn't be able to go into trance, which is how I perform most of my magick.

Long story short, I decided that if I didn't take drastic measures and make some sacrifices, I was probably going to end up losing my job or killing myself due to this severe depression. So I took a gamble and started taking the antidepressants. I've been on them for a few weeks now, and despite a rocky start I'm feeling much better now. Now that my head is clear, I realize that my emotional instability was actually hindering my spiritual growth, and that I'm more apt to make some actual progress now that I'm a little more stable.

Speaking of progress, I think I really want to start working on communication with the Divine, though I'm not really sure where to start. I'm not a hard polytheist, but I'm not adverse to the Divine manifesting as gods to me. When I was around 14 I got pretty good at quieting my mind and having some interesting experiences. For some reason it's much harder now, though I'm out of practice. At least it gives me a spiritual goal to strive for.

Wow, I haven't posted in over a month. I became somewhat disenchanted with the livejournal pagan communities; the interesting ones that demand intelligent topics collect infrequent posts, and the more accepting communities get bombarded with the same newbie questions over and over.

I haven't stopped my research and contemplation quest, however. After avoiding the subject for about a year since I first discovered it, I am finally doing some serious research on Asatru. I first encountered the movement when reading Drawing Down the Moon. I was intrigued, but I didn't like the somewhat racist/exclusionary following that Asatru seems to pick up. However, sometimes something just "feels right," as many people say when they first encounter Wicca. That's how I felt as I read excerpts from the Eddas and learned the stories from Norse mythology.

My limited research told me that Wotanism is the highly racist strain of Germanic neopaganism, and the one that generally gives other strains of Germanic neopaganism a bad reputation. My assumptions stop there, because I have gathered very little information on Asatru itself. It may not be a path that welcomes me, and I am prepared for that.

So not much has happened this past week. At least one of my magickal efforts appears to be working :).

So the big holiday is coming up. I personally don't celebrate it, mostly because I don't have dead people to honor or contact, unless you count the ancestors I never met. I don't really believe that people stick around in any sense of their original form after they die anyway. There is a somewhat random event happening in my area in October, though I haven't figured out what exactly they're hoping to cater to. It seems like a witchy event disguised as a costumed event in celebration of secular Halloween. The website didn't reveal much, though I think that's a protective measure. Anyway, I'll probably drop the five bucks and check it out.

So before yesterday, I figured my husband just assumed I was a practicing witch without me needing to say anything about it.  Occasionally I will make references to pagan news of note or comment on portrayals of magick in movies.  Not that I was trying to hint with these references - I use them when I find them appropriate, and I assumed that since he is a highly intelligent individual he would just read between the lines.  Which, to be fair, he did. 

So yesterday I went to water my plants in my office, where I had some things left over from a ritual the night before.  He tried to follow me in the room, and I shoved him out rather violently.  He got upset with me, saying that I shouldn't be so secretive and that he would never shove me out of his office.  Well, I couldn't argue with that.  He asked me what was so goddamned important that I had to hide it from him, and I admitted that I was more worried that he would make fun of me than anything else.  I told him that he was aware of my interests and that he could probably guess what I'm doing in there.  He said he had a good idea, but that he wouldn't make fun of me and that it was not such a big deal that he had to be shoved out of the room.  So I let him in to see.

I just had my candle holders arranged in a circle, nothing more.  He remained respectful for the most part, though he suggested that I might find all of this silly if I actually encountered people who did it in real life.  I disagree, one because I've met some highly intelligent people who happen to be witches, and numerous cultures practice magic(k), not just Pagan.

Alas, we seem to have an understanding.  I'm not really crazy about him knowing all of this, but I suppose he took it well enough for a skeptic. 

I felt this needed a separate entry.

So I have often been the scapegoat of my childhood.  People who I thought were my friends would prey on me to seem better in front of other people.  I'm not a huge fan of being used in such a way, so I became rather hard and uncompromising.  People started to like me because I was hard and uncompromising, but occasionally I still find myself the brunt of unfair aggression.

So today I'm going to do something about it.

One of the reasons I'm not Wiccan has to do with their insistence that you cannot cast any magick that harms or infringes on another person's will.  Those are great ethics, but what else can you use magick for then, if not personal gain and banishing some negative vibes?  I am not a pacifist, and I will go after those who have done me wrong.  In many cultures revenge is not only appropriate, but expected.  

I will protect myself, and my husband, and my family. 

When I was a little girl I spent most of my time either alone or in the company of my brother.  I had very few friends, and the friends I did have rarely ever came over to my house.  I had board games that I would play by myself, and while that may seem like a very sad childhood, I was admittedly very content with my life.  I often found people to be intrusive, and although I wanted to be liked an accepted, I found it awkward when people would actually come over.

When I turned twelve people started referring to me as "depressed."  At the time I was bullied by classmates and abused my my father, so depression might have been understandable.  However, as I got older and those problems were eradicated (no more bullies, no more abusive father that I couldn't handle), people still referred to me as depressed.  It puzzled me; I didn't feel depressed.  Sometimes I tried to argue that my accusers were wrong, but then I was accused of trying to hide my depression.  Obtaining jobs in customer service didn't help any, where on quarterly evaluations I was often referred to as "unfriendly," "antisocial," or "shy."

I could go on about this forever and never get to my point.  Basically, the fact that I have always been unable, it seems, to be, feel, and think the way other people do has been stressful for me.  I thought that I was indeed depressed, or a freak, or something abnormal that could not function in this world.  

Then, a few days ago, I had a revelation about myself.

I won't go into too many details, but it was one of those revelations where you suddenly discover a major  piece of yourself.  Today I have a better understanding of who I am than I have for probably a decade.  I actually think this understanding will help heal some of the anger inside of me and make me a better witch.

However, I now realize that a source of my unhappiness has stemmed from expecting people to understand me as I understand them.  I guess that's why I don't keep many friends around, a topic which brings me such pain that I cannot continue.  I may have a better understanding of who I am, but I still can't deal with some of the things that have happened to me lately.

Don't get me wrong, I think Wicca in its uncorrupted form can be just as meaningful as any religious or spiritual group.  I just have a few issues with Wicca that keep me from seeking out initiation and training. 

1.  Extreme secrecy - I don't like not knowing what I'm getting into.  I mean, I have a general idea of how these things are supposed to go, but as far as the oathbound stuff goes, why is it oathbound?  What is so sacred that only a select few may know of it?  Unfortunately, such secrecy about mystery traditions makes it easy for con artists and perverts to dupe unsuspecting seekers into cult-like situations.  Since degrees and training are not institutionalized, how does one really prove they have the knowledge and degrees they do?  Theoretically, your proven lineage to the New Forest coven is supposed to be proof of your legitimacy, but such a lineage can be easily fabricated. 

2.  It's apparently traditional for the seeker to not only seek out the coven (which I get), but to more or less beg to be considered for training and initiation, which I don't get.  I suppose it has something to do with letting go of one's pride, but again, I think it creates an enviroment that can be taken advantage of by emotionally disturbed people.  In addition, I am an intelligent individual, and I will demand that I am treated with respect and dignity.  I will ask questions if something seems wrong or unsettles me.  So the idea of having to swallow my pride and trust in my teachers who may or may not know what they're talking about is a little disconcerting. 

3.  To be honest, I've met quite a few Wiccans (and Pagans, really) who just turn out to be really awful, egocentric people.  I'm not down with the "witchier than thou" types, nor am I crazy about the people who have to act on their every hunch like it's a message from the Goddess or think they're tapping into their witchy sixth sense.  You know who I'm talking about - the person who runs up to you and says something like "you have a beige carpet.  OMIGOD you do?  I totally knew it!"  These are the people who act on "intuition," which boils down to doing everything the voices inside their heads tell them to do.  Personally, I was under the impression that hearing voices was a symptom of schizophrenia. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I don't like douchebags, people who don't know what they're talking about, perverts, or not knowing what I'm getting myself into.  I'd still very much like to study with a Pagan group in a somewhat informal setting, because I am not against learning from people who know more than me. 

Card one: Two of Swords

The Two of Swords represents crossed paths or confusion surrounding an important decision in life.  It is a point of utter frustration and procrastination.  The Two of Swords represents someone who has analyzed and focused on something so much that they cannot make a decision on what to do to move forward.   The Two represents someone who has allowed other people’s ideas to influence them too heavily obstructing their view of what is clearly an obvious choice.  The Two of Swords can be a real albatross causing stress and the inability to think freely.  The Two of Swords signifies wasted time with unimportant details and the futility of procrastination.  It represents the act of wasting time by putting things off only to cause more pressure and frustration.  When the Two of Swords makes itself known in a reading it calls attention to the need of a mental release to begin clearing up excessively cloudy judgment.

Card two: five of Chalices

None of us feel too good when the 5 of Cups, Lord of Disappointment, turns up in our readings. It almost always means that somebody somewhere is going to make us feel let down or sad about something. And often when that happens we can end up giving ourselves a hard time, and hurting ourselves unnecessarily.

But there's one important thing to consider when we get disappointed - we feel that way because an expectation we had is not fulfilled, whether by ourselves or by somebody else. So if you get this card coming up often, it's worth taking a good look at your expectations. Are they unrealistic? Are they geared to the abilities and characteristics of the person you hold them of? Or do you expect too much - this is an attitude we tend to apply most viciously to ourselves. Are you expecting more than you have a right to? Are you expecting things that the person in question -yourself or somebody else - is simply not able to provide? If the answer to any of the above is yes, then if you change your expectation, you'll stop being disappointed.

When this card comes up, it warns us that either we have failed to resolved an old difficulty, or that - realistic or not - our expectations are about to be disappointed. Often this will happen in an emotional situation (because this is a Cup card) but can happen elsewhere in our lives too, because disappointment itself is an emotion and therefore belongs to Cups. Aside from locating where the problem lies, there's rarely much that can be done except preparing ourselves to accept the inevitable consequence of being alive - into each life a little rain must fall etc.etc.

Card Three: ten of Swords
 

The Ten of Swords appears to be a card of terrible misfortune, but surprisingly, it often represents troubles that are more melodramatic than real. The man on this card has quite a few swords in his back. Wouldn't one be enough? Isn't ten a little excessive? Perhaps this gentleman's suffering - though sincere - is exaggerated as well.

One meaning of the Ten of Swords is hitting rock bottom. When one disaster follows another, we feel devastated at first, but eventually we throw up our hands and laugh. It's so bad, it's funny! In films, the hero says, "What else could possibly go wrong?" and we know that's a signal for the bucket of water to fall on his head. When you see the Ten of Swords, know that the last bucket has fallen, and you can expect a turn for the better.

This card can also show when you're in victim mentality. You're certain that the whole world is picking on you just to make your life difficult. I picture the man lifting his head and saying, "You think you've got it bad...a cut on the finger. I've got ten swords in my back...count 'em - ten!" Then he drops his head back down with a sigh. When we're in victim mentality, we think everything is horrible, hopeless and impossibly unfair.

Being a martyr is also a favorite Ten of Swords activity. In this case, the man would say with a weak wave of his hand, "No...you go on. Have fun. Don't think about me. I'll just stay here with these swords in my back...but I want you to enjoy yourself." Being a martyr in this sense is not the same as making a sacrifice for another with no strings attached. With the Ten of Swords, either is possible, but doing a good turn for someone else is more satisfying without the strings.

I don't mean to make light of misfortunes because, of course, there are many real tragedies in the world. Sometimes the Ten of Swords indicates a sad event, but you know when this is the case. There is not even a hint of laughter in your heart. Most of the time the Ten of Swords has a lighter side. It is as if your Inner Guide is gently kidding you about how you are handling your own personal tale of woe. When you see the Ten of Swords, check your attitude and know you've reached the point where things will definitely begin to look up.

 

...is  that when it works, you get exactly what you asked for.

Exactly.

So next time I know that I need to be completely specific about what I want, a la Homer Simpson: "I want a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, AND I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises.  You got it?"

Ugh, 'tis a learning experience :(.

So the lovely Wiccan lady who comes into my store told me to be safe today in parting.  It was a silly thing to say, so I said something to the effect of, "never, I walk on the wild side."  She then insisted that I be safe and then left. 

Part of me is saying, "Okay, let's be reasonable.  Maybe that comment didn't mean anything.  Maybe she was referring to the fact that I'm now driving on a regular basis and should take care."

Another part of me is screaming, "OMIGODSHEHADAVISIONOFYOURDEMISEANDISTRYINGTOWARNYOU!!!!1111"

I suppose either option is possible.  The only reason I'm even considering option 2 is that I've had the car for awhile, plus I chat this woman up almost every day that I work and not ONCE has she said that to me. 

I don't have any intention of asking her about it, because that would be silly.  I guess the best route is to just take her advice because it's good advice regardless of what inspired it.  

Which reminds me, I felt compelled to do a tarot reading today.  I sort of took a break because I was feeling depressed and tired of confronting the future.  So I guess I'll write about it here.

Reading done with the Universal Tarot mini deck

Card one: important aspects of the day ahead

Nine of Wands - a man dressed as a jester clutches a wand as if using it to support himself.  Eight more wands rest in the background. 

Definition: As the character in the Suit of Wands faces challenges from outside sources, he stands firmly, insisting on claiming and defending new positions. The Nine of Wands signifies courage, stoutheartedness in the face of adversity, and willpower in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. In a tarot, the Nine of Wands tells the tarot reader that any obstacle met will be defeated, despite appearances of futility.

Relevance: I have become increasingly stressed about my job situation.  Outlook seems bleak, but I must be strong.

Card two: business or issues to attend to

The World - a naked woman with swirling golder hair floats in the clouds.  In the corners of the card are a lion, an eagle, a bull, and a man.

The World card, very aptly, represents a successful conclusion, all aspects accounted for and taken in. Simply put, this card tells the Querent that the end to a long-term project is in sight, and that it will be accompanied by well-earned praise, celebration and success. With Saturn as its ruling planet, this card can also indicate that the Querent, now an expert in their subject, is likely to become a teacher or sought-after lecturer. And, finally, on a more mundane level, the World card indicates travel, not short business trips, but long, fantastic trips. Maybe a lecture tour, book signing, or just a trip around the world. This is a wonderful card of wholeness, perfection, satisfaction and happiness.

Relevance: attend to my happiness?  Accept that my situation is not dire and that an end is in sight?

Card three: thoughts, reactions, or occurrences that may arise

The Fool - a young man walks with his head up high, heading right for a cliff despite a warning from his puppy :)

I think this card is the most clear to me - I am terrified that if I am offered and accept the job I interviewed for, I will essentially be plunging into a situation too difficult for me.  I hope that I am wrong and that I am offered the job.

A couple days ago I discovered technopaganism, a branch I never knew existed.  Granted, I don't have any business immersing myself in technopaganism (I know very little about computers), but I do think it's an interesting take on something that is usually a Nature-based practice. 

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but currently they're half-formed and a little wonky.  I think it's easy to see similarities between technopaganism and regular paganism.  Anyway, I'll revisit this topic later.

Maybe it is because I am angry.

But I see X as a poison upon our group.  If I can detach X, maybe we can start to grow and heal again.

The thing is, I've never done a hex before.  I am worried about that dark energy contaminating other areas of my life as I'm summoning it.  I think if I were to use the rage and anger of the person in question, that could save me from having to summon some less-than-friendly spirits. 

I think that I would ultimately doing good - but it's going to cause a lot of pain first.  Pain for them, pain for me.  Then again, I don't want to be one of those whackos who hurts people because they think they're doing God's work and such.  I'm not crazy...I think.

Last time I contemplated this, meditating nightly helped disperse my anger.  However, these instances keep arising.

I guess I'll be writing a ritual this weekend.  We'll see if I go through with it.

I've been seeing large insects everywhere lately, namely dragonflies.  I'm not referring to those little blue dragonflies that hover around either.  I'm talking BIG, ornate-looking dragonflies.  I do live near the water, but in the two years I've lived here I've never seen anything quite like it.  I was also visited by a praying mantis at work.

A quick Google search indicated that dragonflies can be symbols of change, joy, new beginnings, and taking advantage of opportunities.  Maybe the gods are telling me that my dreams are taking flight. 

On another note, what does it mean when a cat sits on your lap and won't leave you alone?  That's my problem right now :).

So I was late (5 min) for an interview due to aggravating circumstances beyond my control.  While I was driving the phrase "you will learn the virtue of patience" kept haranguing me.  So I didn't swear and I trusted that my quarter tank of gas would make it there (it did).  

It's hard to say if the interview went well or not.  He didn't seem impressed with me, and I felt fumbly despite a little ritual I did earlier to calm myself down.  I certainly performed better than I did for the last interview :P.

Here's the issue that makes my mundane interview relevant to this journal: I asked for a job with these qualities.  Fast-paced, challenging, even down to the specific salary.  This position was more or less created a week ago by the company.  If the gods didn't create this for me, then it's one hell of a coincidence.

I just finished and sent my follow-up letter.  I put in all the effort I was able, and I definitely gave the best of my ability.  It's just up to the gods now.  Have mercy on my nomad soul.

Kava kava makes a good substitute for alcohol in ritual :).

So there's a very sweet Wiccan lady who comes into my work almost every day.  I only know she's Wiccan because of the pentacle she wears on occasion; otherwise she does not say anything that might indicate her beliefs.  As interested as I was in her practices and such, it did not feel appropriate to broach the subject.  However, today she came in with a witchcraft book that I also happen to have, so we struck up a conversation about practicing in such.  Turns out she was a solitary for a very long time, and only decided to seek out a coven last Samhain.  She then said that if I wanted to attend a session, the door was open for me.  

It's an exciting opportunity, and one I am willing to take.  I've been wanting to meet other people for such a long time, but the idea of seeking out covens is a little scary.  There are too many manipulative people out there, and the last thing I need is to deal with some pervert trying to tell me that magick can only be performed during orgasm with a High Priest.  Not that I'm stupid enough to fall for that sort of thing; I just don't want to have to yell at someone :).

So I've had a wonderful birthday so far, and I still have the weekend to celebrate.  My friends have overwhelmed me with their generosity and kind sentiments, and I hope to return the favor.

Despite harboring a massive hangover I had a great day today.  The highlight was when I drove to work and one of my customers performed an impromptu blessing on it.  It was a very touching gesture, and one I plan to replicate when my friends buy their cars.

Speaking of cars, I think I want to make a protection sachet for mine.  Yes, I'm an insured and prudent driver, but I'd like to make something to ward off accidents and such.  I'll probably start doing research on that tomorrow :).

So it's funny how yesterday I was talking about looks bearing their own sort of power, because I got to use mine today.  I was sitting outside on my break, staring at nothing in particular, when I looked inside the store and happened to see a gentleman spill his water everywhere near the door.  He looked at it, flustered, then made for the door like he was going to rush off.  As he went through the door he caught me staring at him, froze, then slinked back into the store to notify someone of the spill.

Mind you, my look was not one of anger.  I was really more amused than anything.  The things people try to get away with when they think no one is watching...

My birthday is tomorrow, a day away from the full moon.  I would like to take that as a sign that my efforts will finally bear fruit.

Anyone can cast a spell.  For instance, the gentleman who screamed at me on the street while I was driving my car utilized his anger to ruin my goddamned day.  It wasn't just what he said, though he used one powerful word: it was the way he looked me square in the face, the strong, accusatory gesture he made, and the way he shouted through my car and into me.

I've been yelled at before.  I've had people go after my pride before.  Being in customer service, I have developed a thick skin and good defenses against the negativity of others.  But sometimes...goodness, sometimes someone just uses the perfect technique to get through my defenses.  And then it bugs me all goddamned day.

Some people are powered by their anger.  Sometimes I feel my own anger threatening to overwhelm me...and yet, that's not the sort of effect I want on people.  

I've been dealing with a lot of stress this weekend, so maybe my defenses were down anyway.